


The Long Sunshine

by LauraEMoriarty



Series: The Braidwood Chronicles [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 19:11:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7281145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LauraEMoriarty/pseuds/LauraEMoriarty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four years after the end of the war that claimed her husband, Admiral Lee Shepard is ready to move on with a dear friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been the first time I've participated in the MEBB. As such, there's a couple of people I really need to thank for their help and love and encouragement in getting this off the ground.
> 
> I wanted to thank Rachel (rayeliann) for her beautiful artwork-- I really love it. Thank you so much for the artwork-- it's so beautiful.
> 
> Also, I want to thank Kim (MizDirected) for all the fantastic help I had from her in this story. She’s a fantastic beta, and when we rewrote the opening chapter entirely, it helped with the flow of the story, and I feel privileged to count her among my friends. What would I do without your critical and often right-on-the money comments? 
> 
> To Helena, (VorchaGirl), thank you a million times for the help you gave me with my sex scenes, both in the original first chapter and then in the rewrite, as well as the help you gave me at the last minute, and all the cheerleading you did for me. I know I can never adequately express how grateful I am to both you and Kim for your amazing help and steadying hands. 
> 
> Azzy, thank you for the help you gave me with regards to an aspect of this story that is still hard to write properly, and thank you for organising the Big Bang this year, it's been a joy to write this story.
> 
> The other thing about this particular story is that some of the experiences are based off my own life, and this particular Shepard is closer to my heart as a result. I'm a seventh-generation farmer in Australia, and the place Shepard retires to after the war is a town I have given my heart over to.
> 
>  

**The Long Sunshine**

**Chapter One**

 

Now the song is nearly over  
We may never find out what it means  
Still there's a light I hold before me  
You're the measure of my dreams  
The measure of my dreams

\-- _A Rainy Night in Soho_ , Shane McGowan

 

«•••»  


_Alenko Orchards, Okanagan Valley, British Columbia, April 2190._

 

The warm spring breeze blew the leaves about on their branches, lifting and setting them down, creating a dappled light that covered a quiet spot in the orchards. Lee Shepard-Alenko bent down to place a wreath of poppies and rosemary on the simple headstone, and knelt to brush the dirt off it with care. Her fingers traced the letters on the white marble slab, brushing gently against the date of birth, and the date of death, the insignia of the Alliance, his name, rank and service number. She knew all of those letters and words by heart, including the tiny bit of poetry that seemed too brief a quote to encapsulate all that he had been. Buried beside him were his father, his uncles, and his grandfathers.  In the tree above her a small boy perched in a branch, low to the ground. She glanced over her shoulder to where James stood, a look of uncertainty on his face.

 

“C’mon, James. ” Lee said, waving him over. “Don’t hang back like the last horse in the Melbourne Cup.”

 

“You sure, Lola?” he asked, and Lee smiled.

 

“Anyone ever told you you’re too polite for your own good, mate?” She laced her words with gentle teasing, a brilliant smile warming her face in the spring sunshine, Kellen choosing that exact moment to spring from the tree onto the ground. The white blossoms tumbled off the branches, showering Lee, Kellen and James with petals.

 

“Sometimes, yeah,” James agreed, shaking his head to get rid of the petals that had landed in his hair. He brushed his jeans with one hand as he walked towards the white stone where Lee stood. “I just didn’t want to intrude.”

 

Lee shook her head. “Don’t be an idiot. You’re _family_.”

 

“If you  say so, Lee. I just don’t feel like I can,” James said, coming to stand beside her at the grave. Lee looked at James, and then back at Kaidan’s headstone.

 

“You’re not intruding, James. Chrissake, you’ve been helping me raise his son for the last four years. I couldn’t ask for a better best mate than that. You belong here.” She reached out her hand to grasp his, squeezing it in her own. A gust of wind blew the leaves back, and suddenly the gravestone sparkled in the brilliant sunshine.

 

Lee leaned her head against James’s shoulder as they stood together in the spring sunlight. Kellen darted up another tree—her son appeared more cat than human, forever climbing things and springing down from them.

 

“Kel, come on down, mate.” Lee chided gently, her heart in her mouth as Kellen shimmied up the trunk, climbing higher and higher. The gnarled peach tree shook with Kellen’s weight, dislodging more blossoms.

 

“Nope.” Kellen shouted from way above both Lee and James’s heads, as Lee looked up.

 

“Kel. Down, now.” James’s voice was firm as he spoke, and the boy shook his head. “No bedtime story tonight, then. You don’t get to hear the next bit of The Enkindlers, and I _know_ you want to find out what happens to the Enkindlers once they fight a Reaper.”

 

“I don’t care.” Lee heard the contrarian tone in her son’s voice as he spoke. “Javik told me about them, and he said the story was stupid.”

 

“And you believe Javik, the Prothean sadarse over James and Mummy?” Lee asked, persuasively. “You know what Javik’s like—the doom and gloom monster.”

 

“Okay,” Kellen said after a long pause, and Lee caught sight of chubby legs coming down the trunk, dislodging even more blossoms as he did so. The amount of dispersed blossom concerned her—without the blossom, there’d be no fruit come summer and autumn.

 

“Nana!” Kellen shrieked, drawing Lee’s attention to Madeline Alenko coming up the path, bearing a tray with tea and cookies.

 

Madeline Alenko stood five foot eight, her short, wavy black hair shot through with grey and her warm brown eyes lively behind titanium rimmed glasses. Lee often thought Kaidan had inherited his mother’s looks, the shape of his face shared similarities with his mother. Madeline set the tray down on the table nearby, and Kellen rushed over to her, gabbing at a million miles an hour.

 

“I climbed so high Nana. So high that I couldn’t see the ground, and Mummy was scared, but I wasn’t,” Kellen said, now helping himself to a cookie from the tray on the table. Kellen bit into the cookie, and grinned like the Cheshire Cat. “Yum, Nana. My favourite!”

 

Lee smiled, and slowly walked over to the table, James following her. She hugged Madeline, and  then sat down, taking the teapot and pouring a cup of tea and adding a dash of milk. Taking a sip of tea, the delightful smoky flavour and smell hitting her nostrils and tongue—her favourite tea. She reached out for a cookie, biting down into the tart sweetness of cranberries and white chocolate—the chewy texture perfect.

 

“You treasure, you remembered! Thanks Mads,” Lee said, the mug warming her hands.

 

Madeline smiled at Lee, and then passed the teapot to James.

 

“Nah, but thanks,” James said politely, helping himself instead to a few cookies. “More of a coffee person.” He smiled.

 

“Sorry James. I can make you one if you like?” Madeline said, and James shook his head.

 

“I’ll survive without. I don’t want to ask you to make coffee and deprive you of time with Kel,” James replied, leaning forwards to help himself to another cookie.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Kellen can come back to the house with me to make it. I’ll get some for you,” Madeline chided James, a soft chuckle in her words.

 

“Kellen, do you want to go with Nana?”

 

Kellen looked up from building his stick tower, and nodded at his grandmother, abandoning his playing to follow her. Lee watched as Kellen ran after Madeline, the tail of his dragon suit flapping in the wind behind him, the spikes on his back bobbing as he ran.

 

She’d let Kellen dress himself that morning, and he had chosen the dress up costume, and couldn’t be dissuaded by either James or her. There’d been a few strange looks, followed by knowing smiles earlier that day in the supermarket as she and James had pushed the trolley around, getting a few bits and pieces before heading to Madeline’s place. Lee always brought additional food to the Alenko orchards, not because the hospitality was lacking—it never lacked—but because it had been ingrained in her from an early age that one always brought something with them when staying with family for more than a few hours. It didn’t matter what it was—she always brought something to Madeline’s.

 

Lee smiled as she watched the tail of Kellen’s suit vanish into the depths of the orchard, and then turned to lean her head on James’s shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her waist, and they sat like that, not speaking, just enjoying the view of the trees in heavy blossom. The day had been beautiful so far, and she felt reluctant to speak, lest the magic of the silence be broken. She watched the clouds changing in the sky, merging and morphing, ever changing. The night sky held the beauty of the stars, but the clouds were something different, untameable and unpredictable, truly alive. The clouds turned ordinary evenings into something magical, where all the colours of the sky and the setting of the sun streaked into peaches, purples and golds.

 

The light in the orchard, coming down through the leaves and the sun above them felt warm against Lee’s back. The orchard felt peaceful, as it always did in the afternoon sunshine—the trees, the wind, the steady whoosh from the leaves as they were buffeted in the wind. Summer fast approached, and soon the trees would have peaches, apricots, plums and cherries, the bountiful harvest a stark contrast to the war that had engulfed the galaxy four years earlier.

 

James moved first, clearing his throat and breaking the silence. “I’m gonna go help Mads with the coffee,” he said, getting to his feet. “And make sure Destructo-Dragon hasn’t wrecked her kitchen.” A soft chuckle accompanied those words, and then Lee saw him go, his broad back disappearing from view.

 

Alone now, Lee returned to Kaidan’s headstone. There were things she needed to say to him, and she had put it off for far too long. Coming here today, on a day that she had long held sacred to the memory of fallen soldiers, seemed to be the right thing to do. When Lee had lain Kaidan to rest here in this quiet shady part of the orchard, it had been two days before Samhain. Heavily pregnant, she had sat there, numb with grief, as Kaidan’s body returned to the earth.

 

“So, Kaidan,” she said, settling herself down on the ground above him, and closed her eyes, her hand brushing the white marble tombstone. She conjured the image of him on their wedding day, smiling and laughing as the photographer took photo after photo on the cliffs of Rannoch, the wind blowing sand and dust in their general direction.

 

“Kel’s gone with your mum to get a drink, wearing a dragon costume here, there and bloody everywhere—can’t convince him to change out of it long enough to wash the damn thing—he even _sleeps_ in it. I wish you could see that,” She gave a quiet little chuckle. “It’s the cutest and most irritating thing he’s doing now—people in supermarkets do double takes when they see him—and mothers and grandmothers smile at him, tell him how cute he is. He’s taken to shadowing Addo, Gabs, Kenno and Tali in engineering, like Macbeth’s ghost. You should see him, forever in one of Kenno’s old engineering shirts, a pair of goggles pushed up on his wee head. He claims to be helping them fix something, dunno what, though.”

 

She could feel his presence in the air, could imagine him standing next to her, smiling as she spoke about their son. “There are days when I see so much of you in him, Kaid, the way he looks at me with his big eyes curious and bright like yours. The way he tilts his head back whenever he’s happy about something. He’s going to make a fantastic engineer one day, always got a tiny project going on in the Starboard Observation lounge, and toys scattered from here to the back of Bourke. Private Campbell once had a full cup of coffee, with toy car flavour an added bonus.” She laughed, remembering Pt. Campbell’s displeasure at the taste.  “She now triple-checks her coffee cup before making a coffee. Those toy cars are really very sneaky. You just never know when or where one is going to turn up.”

 

The wind blew her long hair into her face, and she brushed strands out of her eyes, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I loved you, Kai. I’ll always love ya, but I can’t spend my entire life mourning you.” She looked down at her left hand, where the platinum wedding ring sparkled, the black opal of her engagement ring flashing blue and red as it caught the sunlight, and the two diamonds, one set on either side of the opal sparkled.

 

“You know that as well as I do—that you’d want me to find someone after you, to be happy. You’d want Kel to have a dad, or multiple daddy figures.” She gave a little, wry smile, and laughed softly. “Everyone loves the wee bugger as much as they can, even when he is being a right royal pain in our collective arses. Steveo’s always bitching about Kel messing up the shuttle bay. But that’s kids for ya, huh? Addo and Kenno are forever hauling him out of trouble down in engineering. He’s such a great little tyke, wish you were here though Kai, this Mum gig’s a tad rough without you.”

 

“Kel asks me about you a lot, and I miss you. I miss your smile, and your arms around me, you telling me everything was gonna be okay. That we’d get through this new life after the war, our dreams and plans. But you’re gone, we can’t unscramble eggs, and I’ve gotta just grin and bear it. I can’t crack a sad forever—they’d send me to the funny farm if I did that, and I can’t do that. Thing is, I don’t wanna have to go to the funny farm. I have my life, and you’d want me to get on with it. Kel’s a great kid, he really is. He’s decided he wants to build spaceships, become a dragon king, and travel the galaxy in a bathtub—all of those are entirely attainable.” Another soft, fond chuckle at the eccentricities of their delightful four year old boy.

 

She shifted momentarily, rolling her neck and shoulders as she did so. They felt stiff, as though she had spent too much time sitting at a desk, and not enough time on the firing range. “You wouldn’t think being an admiral would involve so much bloody paperwork and admin shit. It’s fucken’ ridic. Seriously, fuck paperwork.” She shook her head, and spoke again.

 

“Good thing the payoff for being an admiral means more time with Kel. I’ve been teaching him to sing _Home Among the Gum Trees_ , with varying levels of success.” Lee hummed the first few lines of the song, a smile on her face. “I’ve been around the world a coupla times or maybe more..” she warbled, letting her broad Australian accent loose as she did so. “I’ve seen the lights and the sights of every foreign shore…” Lee grinned—she’d seen far more than the writer of the song ever had.

 

“But when my friends ask me the places I adore, I tell them right away.” Her voice rose, and she continued, “Gimme a home among the gum trees with lotsa plum trees, a sheep or two and a kangaroo, a clothesline out the back, veranda out the front, and an old rocking chair.” Her body moved as she acted out the lines of the song, sticking her thumb out and chucking her hand back over her shoulder, to indicate the clothesline out the back, before crossing her arms across her chest and rocking backwards and forwards to indicate the rocking chair.

 

She laughed softly. “If anyone saw that, I’d definitely be bundled off to the funny farm,” she said after a moment’s pause. “And I don’t wanna go there.” She took a deep breath, and looked once more at her rings, knowing the next bit would be hard to say.

 

For four years, she had mourned him. She knew it was time to get back on the bucking horse and hope she wouldn’t be thrown off again. “I’ve mourned you for four years—it’s enough time, don’t you think? You should know, you mourned me for two years when I died. Double time and all that. I loved you, and I’ll always keep loving you, but Kaidan, I need some sign that you’ll not hate me in the afterlife for moving on.” Her voice rose in a joking tone, and the light caught her opal ring. She glanced down at the precious stone, and saw a colour that she’d never seen it flash. There were reds and golds and blues and greens, and the occasional flash of flame—but _purple_? Purple never showed up in opals, especially not Australian black opals.

 

She glanced up at the sky, looking at the cluster of clouds, and sent a wordless thank you to the spirit world for such a clear sign. Lee touched the stone once more, and stood up, brushing her backside with her hand to remove any dirt that remained on her red dress. Ordinarily, Lee wore her uniform, the choice of what to wear taken out of the equation. During the war, it’d been rare that she had a moment to wear civilian clothing, and now the war was over, she’d had more opportunities to wear the clothes she liked best. Lee adored the feeling of silk, the way it was soft and warm, but so very lightweight, as though it could be blown away like dandelion fuzz, the way it felt like the memory of a lover’s gentle touch.

 

She moved slowly, passing the other Alenko ghosts that lingered in the quiet orchard. They hovered there, as they had done the day Lee had laid Kaidan to rest. Her skirt swirled around her legs, swishing with each and every step she took, as her heart felt so much lighter than it had mere moments ago, when she had made peace with Kaidan’s ghost. There would always be a part of her that stayed the woman she had been when she was Kaidan’s wife—the part of her that had fallen for the man who had loved her so wholly and completely. She hadn’t believed in soulmates until she had met Kaidan, but she had this mad theory that maybe there was more than _one_ soulmate out there waiting to be let in.

 

Lee strolled back to the house, her heart lifting at the sight of the old whitewashed farmhouse that beckoned to her. Inside were her son, her mother in law and her best friend. Through the open windows, she could hear Kellen gabbing away about one of his obsessions, and Madeline and James talking back to him. Admiring the stained glass on the door—a twined rose around a large apple tree—she reached out to turn the knob. She walked in, taking in the quiet order in the hall—the hallstand with its silver bowl where Madeline placed secateurs, gloves and other small things that came out of pockets—twists of baling twine, a pair of fencing pliers, and a small, electric pruning saw. The hardwood floors gleamed from polish, and Lee slipped her shoes off, padding barefoot up the hall to the kitchen. The shining granite surface of Madeline’s island counter appeared as it always did: covered in bits of paper, seed packets in a basket, cookies and a cake under glass.

 

She smelled the garlic roasting in the oven, along with a sprig of rosemary that went along with the roast shoulder of lamb, the vegetables adding to the general aroma in the kitchen. Lamb hadn’t really become that common in Canada, but she’d been glad Madeline had remembered about her preference of red meat if given a choice between beef, pork or lamb.  Lee had grown up eating lamb, hogget and mutton. If she’d been able to, she’d have transported a leg of hogget to Canada, but time had been against them.

 

“Nana, can I have some cake, please?” Kellen asked Madeline, and as Lee caught Madeline’s eye and shook her head, Madeline smiled.

 

“Sorry Kel. If you have cake now, you won’t eat your dinner,” Madeline replied, smiling.

 

“When’s dinner?” he asked, and Madeline glanced behind her to where the meat roasted in the oven.

 

“Five more minutes, Kel. But you can help Nana by setting the table,” Madeline replied, smiling at her grandson.

 

Lee kissed her son on the top of his head and smiled at Madeline. “Thanks Mads, you’re a dead set legend,” she said, moving towards the woman that was more of a mum to her than her own mother. She hugged Madeline, checked the lamb, and then glanced over her shoulder at James.

 

“You’re welcome, Lee. Do you mind making the gravy? I never mastered your way of doing it, and you make such nice gravy.” Madeline bustled out of the way as Lee grabbed the tea towels and removed the roast shoulder of lamb from the oven, smiling as the familiar aroma of sheep meat wafted through the kitchen.

 

Lee speared the shoulder with a carving fork, deftly moving the meat from the pan and placing it on the wooden chopping board. She then returned the pan to the flame of the gas stove, adding flour and gravy mix, tomato sauce, Worcestershire sauce and the occasional splash of boiling water as she stirred the pan juices to a smooth gravy. When she was satisfied with the taste and the texture, she transferred the gravy into a jug, and set it on the table, before turning her attention to carving the roast, shredding the tender meat with a fork as she did so, knowing that Madeline had cooked it well.

 

Dinner passed by in a flurry of eating and conversation, and before long, Lee had bathed Kellen and he was in his pyjamas, a bowl of cake and ice cream in front of him. Madeline waved her offer of help with the dishes, and Lee was glad she didn’t have to do them—not that there were many.

 

A smile, warm and happy, crossed her face at the sight of James, sitting on Madeline’s bright orange sofa, a cup of coffee half-finished on the table in front of him. She walked over to James and sat down beside him, resting her head briefly on his shoulder.

 

“Wanna go for a walk?” she asked him quietly, “I know a quiet spot.”

 

James smiled and then nodded. “Sure, Lola,” he said, standing up and stretching.

 

Lee led them out the door with a backwards glance at Kellen and Madeline, both of them talking and Kellen listing things in the orchard that began with “C”.

 

They walked in companionable silence until they reached a spot on the farm that appeared quiet and secluded. In the opposite direction the small graveyard was silent, save for the whisper of the wind in the branches. Lee sat down on the grassy knoll, and leaned back on her arms, legs outstretched as the wind lifted the strands of her hair that’d come loose from her crown braid. James sat next to her, and together they watched the clouds for a while, not speaking because the silence between them felt comfortable. It had always felt comfortable with James, the knowledge that he was her strength when everything else was going to shit around her. He made her feel safe and secure, a calm port in a storm.  He had been there for her in the early days following Kaidan’s death, through the nights of endless screaming from Kellen, through the teething and other various ailments. He had supported her, helped her parent her son.

 

The sun dipped lower on the horizon, and above them Venus started to make her appearance in the gloaming dusk.  She looked up as more stars began coming out, searching for the four stars that made up the Southern Cross, but could not see them.

 

“When I was a girl, I always looked up at the sky and searched for the Southern Cross,” she said, glancing over at James, who reclined on his elbows. She leaned back herself as she looked up at the sky again. “I never dreamed I’d see the stars up close and personal, seeing dying planets and all that. Never dreamed I’d be the commanding officer of the SSV _Normandy_ , I thought I’d be a farmer my whole life.”

 

“What changed?” James asked, and even though they had spent countless nights talking over the last four years, he still waited for the answer.

 

“The First Contact War,” Lee said dryly, looking back at the sky that darkened further still. “Dad came home changed and angry as fuckery. Took me a bloody long time to understand why. It took me longer still to get over that xenophobia when I saw a turian for the first time.”

 

James nodded, and Lee watched his face for a moment, before changing her tone—bright and airy instead of bitter and twisted.

 

“Enough with that bloody ancient history, though. I still marvel at everything I’ve seen and done—a far cry from the farm and the life I thought I’d have. But I’m glad Brendan—Dad—lost the farm, and that I joined the Alliance. I met some bloody wonderful people and made some fantastic friends.” She glanced over at James with a smile on her face.

 

“I hope you count me as one of them,” James joked as Lee smiled warmly at him.

 

“Bloody hell, James. Course I do,” Lee replied with a laugh. She looked over at the lake gleaming in the moonlight, the big full moon reflected on its surface. It cast such a strong glow it felt as though it was still daylight—she could see for miles. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, smelling the blossoms on the breeze. It reminded her of home—of freshly cut lucerne hay and the spring mornings where the dew still clung to the grass. Something settled within her as she opened her eyes once again.

 

“You’ve done more than most mates ever would.” She shrugged, and turned her head to face James once again. “Helping me raise Kel has been a great thing given how challenging he is, most normal people would’ve gone nope, not doing it. You’re my best mate.”

 

“You’re my best friend too, Lola,” James smiled back at her, the Milky Way reflecting in his eyes. She brought her hand up to trace his cheek, before dropping back down onto the ground. “I never imagined, when Hackett and Anderson assigned me as your guard that I’d end up with Commander Shepard—Lee—as my best friend.”

 

“Oh really?” Lee grinned, “Do I meet your expectations?”

 

“I thought I knew who you were when I met you—the hero of Elysium, the first human spectre. I didn’t know the faintest thing about you when we met.” James replied, the smile still on his face. “I didn’t know that you were a farm girl, grew up in Australia. There was no accent that gave it away. But I know _you_. You’re funny and smart and sexy as hell.”

 

“Oh?” Lee drawled in her broadest accent. “I’m glad I defied your expectations. Good to know I’m still sexy—I thought I’d been a frumpy mummy since Kel’s birth.”

 

“That made you _more_ sexy, Lee,” James said with another broad grin.

 

Lee rested her head on his shoulder, and sighed contentedly. Being here with James in the peacefulness of the evening, the burden of grief no longer present, it felt right. “Earlier today I told Kaidan that I had to move  on, stop grieving him. My ring did something really weird when I told him I needed a sign. It flashed a colour I’ve never seen in black opal. It flashed purple.” She looked down at her left hand, where the stone was dark once again. “I’ve never, in my whole life, seen purple in the flame—and I’ve seen a _lot_ of opals.”

 

“Huh, that’s odd,” James replied, wrapping his arm around Lee’s waist, drawing her closer to him. “But I’m glad he gave you a sign. You’ve got your life to live, and Kaidan will always be a part of you, I understand that, I do.” He rested his forehead against hers, and smiled, moving in to kiss her before pulling back, hesitating.

 

Lee closed the distance between them, and kissed him, trying to convey everything she felt for him in that kiss. This felt _right_. The orchards were silent, the wind a bare whisper through the trees as they kissed under the moon.  No sense of urgency drove her, but that of her own emotion, her own desire. She felt James’s hands on her waist as they broke the kiss, her own hands tugging at the hem of his t-shirt. He lowered her down onto the ground.

 

Lee flinched as her back came into contact with the sharp edges of a rock. “Ow!” she whimpered, breaking the spell.

 

“You okay?” James asked, a confused look on his face.

 

“It wasn’t you,” she replied, laughing softly  as her hand went searching behind her for the offending rock. She found it and tossed it in the direction away from them.  “Stupid bloody rock.”

 

“I thought I’d hurt you,” James said, “Good to know it was only a rock.”

 

“Stupid rock. Moment ruiner.” Lee smiled. She snaked her hand up around James’s neck, pulling him back down into their kiss.

 

The rock situation dealt with, Lee felt the soft grass against her neck, as James lowered her back onto the ground. She tugged James’s t-shirt off, their mouths meeting, hesitantly at first, but then throwing caution to the wind. They explored one another’s bodies, touching and kissing, growing bolder with each soft caress. Lee unbuttoned her dress, and stood to shimmy out of it, revealing a badly fading maternity bra, the underwire beginning to poke through the fabric, with a pair of even worse panties, holey where the fabric had started to thin, the elastic gone at the waist.

 

“You got dressed up for me, Lola?” James teased her gently as he unclasped her bra, placing a kiss on her bare shoulder as he slid the straps off her arms. He took one of her breasts in his hand, and teased the nipple gently as he bent his head over one of them.

 

“Oh shut it, you,” Lee replied, fidgeting with the belt buckle on James’s jeans. Undoing the belt buckle and the top of his jeans, she reached to take him in her hand. “I don’t _care_ about pretty underwear. No point.”

 

“We’ll have to remedy that,” James muttered, “You deserve pretty things.”

 

She laughed softly. “It’s been a long time, James.” Lee felt him slide two fingers into the holey panties, dragging them down off her hips. She unzipped his fly, and tugged his jeans down, waiting impatiently as he stepped out of them. They lay back down on the grass, the tickling sensation against Lee’s back making her giggle.

 

“It tickles!” Lee giggled, as James planted feathery kisses on her breasts, kissing his way down her body. “Not your kissing, but the grass,” she clarified, at the look on James’s face.

 

James smiled, and continued his downward kissing, finally reaching the apex at her thighs. Lee gasped and tangled her fingers in his short hair, twisting tufts of it round her fingers.  Then her hands made their way back down, and she traced a teasing finger around the N7 tattoo at the base of his neck, where the letter and number were, though she couldn’t see them.  She had seen them often enough over the last four years to know their location, though. James kissed her once again, trying to convey what they shared.

 

“Inside, now,” she panted, reaching down for him and guided him in. Their bodies joined together, they continued kissing, encouraging each other on with gasps and sighs of pleasure.

 

When they were sated, Lee felt the dew on her breasts and shivered, but not from cold. James drew her close against his hard chest, and Lee smiled at him. It felt _right_ lying in his arms in the open, under the stars.

 

She sent a silent thank you to Kaidan’s spirit.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Long Sunshine**

**Chapter Two**

When the fire burns out here  
It's brighter than the city lights  
Warmer than a heart of gold  
And dingo's howl just to break the   
silence

\- _Nullarbor Song,_ Kasey Chambers

                            

Morning’s soft sunlight streamed in through the window, bathing the room in a soft, golden glow. Lee woke, slow and cosy under the doona: she didn’t want to leave the sanctuary of the bed, and James’s arms. The sunlight made her smile as she lay there, and she could tell it would be a beautiful morning. James stirred beside her, but didn’t wake. She had to, though.  Careful not to disturb James, she padded quietly into the bathroom and then back.  

 

“Morning,” she said as she watched James’s eyes flutter open, and she smiled.

 

“Morning Lee,” he replied, kissing her shoulder where it met her neck.

 

She half-turned in his arms to kiss him. Their lips met, and Lee smiled into the kiss.

 

Later, lying in James’s arms, Lee felt warm and sheltered. She liked the way his arm rested on her hip as they lay there, the casual touching and soft kisses in the afterglow of lovemaking.

 

Downstairs, she could hear Kellen and Madeline talking, though she couldn’t tell what they were talking about. She could only hope that Kellen wasn’t causing his grandmother too much grief. Groaning lightly, she turned in James’s arms to face him, cupping his chin in her hand. “Too much to hope for a lazy morning,” she said with a wry smile.

 

“Yeah,” James sighed, “we’d best rescue Mads from Destructo-Kel.”

 

She swung her legs off the bed, and stood, heading to the bathroom. After her ablutions were completed, Lee returned to the room.  Opening the suitcase she’d packed, and pulling out a pair of jeans and a bright purple long sleeved shirt that spoke to the practical grazier she was, she dressed and then braided her hair up into her usual crown braid before heading down for breakfast.

 

“Morning Mads.” Lee greeted her friend and mother in law with a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Morning, Lee. Sleep well?” Madeline asked before lifting a coffee cup in a silent question.

 

When Lee nodded, Madeline turned to the espresso machine, returning a moment later with a steaming mug that smelled like heaven—well, if God could be found at the bottom of a cup.

 

“Yeah, I slept well,” Lee replied. She took a sip of the coffee, and sighed blissfully. She turned her head at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, and saw James coming downstairs, freshly showered.

 

“What’re your plans for this morning, Mads? Need help?” Lee asked.

 

“Need to move some cattle into another field, but other than that, nah. I’m good for the moment, thanks Lee,” Madeline said, turning back with a mug of coffee for James.

“Lemme get my boots on, and I’ll help with that,” Lee said, “It’s no bother—I like cattle.”

 

Madeline shook her head. “I’ll be all right, Lee, thanks. You’re here on holiday, not to work,” she said, knowing the battle was pointless.

 

“Don’t be ridic. I did this sorta stuff at home all the time,” Lee responded, “It’ll only take ten minutes.”

 

“If you’re sure,” Madeline repeated, dishing out breakfast. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to do stock work every time you come here. I feel bad about it if you just do this stuff.”

 

Lee smiled. “Nah. I like it. Wrangling a mob of cows isn’t _hard_. Winning a war? That’s _hard.”_ The Australian accent she worked hard to keep out of her voice while on the _Normandy_ let itself be heard in her words, the broadness of it plain as she spoke, cup in hand.  “With cows, it’s simple. Just lure ‘em with a bucket of feed. They’ll follow.”

 

Leaving the house by the back door, Lee headed for the cattle holding pen, her sunglasses on and her precious Akubra on her head.  James followed, not far behind her, ready to help with moving the mob. Kellen, already wearing his riding helmet, had followed both of them. Lee fastened her own helmet, knowing that no matter how experienced a rider she was, she had long ago learned how not to get thrown by a horse.

 

She saddled Kellen’s pony, an old palomino mare with a lovely temperament. The mare snorted softly as Lee lead her out of the stable towards the mounting block.

 

“We’re moving cows, Kel. Think you can help with the gates?” Lee asked, watching her small son climb up onto the mounting block. “Let’s get you up on Mags, yeah?” She gave Kellen a boost into the saddle and watched as he swung his leg into the stirrup on the other side. Satisfied that Kellen was safely on Mags, Lee saddled the two other horses.

 

The dappled grey mare snorted softly as Lee adjusted the saddle, knowing the mare would puff herself up, making the saddle slip when she tried to mount her. The grey mare could be a nasty bitch of a horse when the mood came upon her. Lee had known her fair share of horses who could do that, but she wasn’t fazed by it. “James, I’m not letting you up on Celeborn, she’s too nasty for you to handle.” At that moment, Celeborn bit Lee on the shoulder.

 

“Don’t do that, you bloody horse,” Lee said sternly. She’d been in the saddle for years. When she and her older sister Bridie were young, they’d ride double – Bridie holding onto the reins.

 

“Yeah, that’s why you’re not riding her—and she’ll buck you off at the first chance she gets.” She smiled and gently stroked the old mare’s nose. “She knows when her rider is new to the whole thing.”

 

“Your horse is called Shuggy.” Lee motioned to the bay Clydesdale gelding that waited patiently to be saddled up. “He’s a safe one that I used to put Kel on when he was tiny. Best horse in the world for a beginner.” She threw the saddle blanket over Shuggy, then the saddle, bending to tighten the girth strap and adjusted the stirrups. “He’s big, but he’s the gentlest horse in the world, and you’ll be glad you’re on him. Excellent beginner horse.”

 

“Not sure I like horses,” James muttered as he mounted Shuggy, looking awkward as he swung his leg over the horse’s back.

 

Lee mounted Celeborn, and they were off.  When Kellen had been small, Lee had ridden with him in a baby sling, safely secured to her. She glanced at James, who appeared to be struggling with Shuggy, the gentle bay gelding not moving. “You have to kick them gently, James,” she called over her shoulder, “they’re not exactly psychic.”

 

Turning Celeborn back, Lee trotted towards James and Shuggy. Gently, she took the reins out of James’s hands, showing him how to hold them. The gentle Clydesdale simply stood there, waiting patiently as Lee gave James a quick rundown on how to ride. They rode towards the gate, Lee right next to James as they rode.

 

“I’m still not sure this is such a good idea, Lee.”  James called, trying not to panic as Shug moved of his own volition, following Celeborn and Mags out of the holding yard and into the field where the cattle milled about lazily.

 

“Just trust Shug, James. He knows what he’s doing,” Lee replied, focussing on the cattle that needed moving from the current field, which had been grazed down. She turned Celeborn’s head, and kicked her into a canter, moving to the left and slightly behind the mob. In her years of doing stock work, it was second nature to her. She knew the best way to get the mob moving was to enlist the help and greed factor of cattle to her advantage, and she bent low over Celeborn’s neck, the reins gripped loosely in one hand as she reached behind her for the small saddlebag. She’d remembered to pack the bribe, as nothing moved a mob faster than the promise of food, regardless of how small the feed bribe was.

 

Three hours later, Lee felt tired and worn out.

 

“Oi, James!” She called over her shoulder, noticing his struggle to control Shug. “If I’d known you were so easy to move past, I’d’ve sneaked out while in custody,” Lee laughed softly as James struggled to get behind the mob once more.

 

“Shut up, Lola,” James said warmly. “You’ve been riding your whole life—this is my first time on a horse. I’d like to see you try.”

 

“I didn’t let three heifers get past me, unlike you. I tend to be a lot sneakier than them. You’re gonna have to try harder than that.” She teased, her smile brilliant.

 

Lee laughed, as she expertly came behind him at a canter. She moved towards the final gate behind  the barn where the horses were stabled, slowing to a walk so Celeborn could cool down before she was unsaddled and pastured once more.

 

“That was different, Lee.” James pointed out, “I wasn’t on horseback. I’ve no doubt you’d be able to sneak  past me on a horse.”

 

“Mummy! I trotted!” Kellen’s excited voice came from somewhere behind them, and James and Lee turned to look at Kellen on his pony.  Mags walked at a quick pace, her ears pricked forwards as she moved, clearly desperate to get home.

 

“Well done Kel!” Lee praised him, turning Celeborn’s head. The ornery mare tugged at the bridle, and Lee pulled the reins firmly. “We’re headed home now, okay?” she added, as the three of them rode back to the stables. Celeborn’s ears pricked forwards, and Lee sensed the horse’s anticipation. She slowed Celeborn to a stop, and dismounted, taking hold of the reins as she lead the horse into the box stall. She bent down to loosen the girth strap, taking saddle and saddle blanket off and setting it down on the edge of the stall. She did the same thing for Mags and Shuggy, and then passed James a brush.

 

When everyone had finished grooming their horses, the sunlight outside the stables dazzled Lee’s eyes.

 

Two hours later, Lee sat on the couch, nursing a cup of lukewarm tea in her hands. The job had been done, and she felt tired and pleased at the same time. Though it’d taken far longer than the ten minutes she’d initially allocated to the task, she derived satisfaction from the cattle she’d managed to move. She’d showered and changed, and so had James.

 

“Nobody tells you your thighs will hurt more after riding,” James observed, “I don’t even know if medigel will help with the pain.”

 

Lee chuckled. “Nah. You were probably just doing it wrong. You’re not meant to be clenching your thighs around Shug.” She smiled sympathetically. “It took me about four years to learn that. Bridie took longer to learn that than me. She took five years, but she’s older than me. And Medigel won’t fix it,” she said, now laughing softly.

 

“I did it, Mumma!” Kellen said, looking up at his mother and Uncle James, “Didn’t I?”

 

“Yeah, you did good,  Kel,” Lee agreed, watching as Kellen played with his toys. The living room, scattered with toys and books, was cheered by the warm sunlight streaming in from the large windows.  The old farmhouse felt like home to Lee, like the home that waited for her Down Under, it had that comfortable feeling of being lived in.

 

A long, comfortable month passed in Canada, Lee feeling much more refreshed and rejuvenated by the sojourn. They would be heading back to the _Normandy,_ back to their lives in space.

 

“Thanks a million for having us, Mads,” Lee said, kissing her mother in law on the cheek. “See you at Christmas.”

 

“You’re more than welcome, Lee,” Madeline returned the kiss warmly. “See you then, if not before.”

 

Lee laughed softly. “We’ll be in touch, you know that.”

 

Turning, Lee glanced up at James before glancing down at Kellen, who wore his dragon suit once again. Her son moved to hug his grandmother, and then looked back at his mother and James.

 

“Bye Nana,” Kellen said, waving at her as the transport came close in to where the three of them stood.

 

The month in Canada, Lee knew, had been a rare opportunity to spend time outside of the Alliance and the life that she had loved for so long.

 

Lee, Kellen, and James boarded the transport that the Alliance had sent to pick them up. Lee didn’t particularly enjoy shuttle rides, she had been on too many of them with friends and family that had been injured—or worse. She glanced over at Kellen, and saw that he was strapped securely into his booster seat, harness across his shoulders and chest. Flying had never fazed Kellen—he had been born to this life, a life of shuttle rides and scarred people, of having to stay with Liara, Samantha, or Karin Chakwas as his mother went off on another mission. Lee had always been grateful that she had friends aboard the _Normandy_ that were happy to mind her small son while she went off saving the galaxy time and again.

 

The ride back to the _Normandy_ was mostly uneventful. She remembered travelling light—the day Earth was hit by the Reapers she escaped with only the clothes on her back. Kellen travelled well on the shuttle between earth and the _Normandy_ —he’d been doing this his whole life.

 

From her seat in the back, Lee could hear Kellen and Steve talking.

 

“Did you ride the horses, Kel?” Steve asked.

 

“Yeah, it was great.” Kellen replied. “We went cow chasing.”

 

“That sounds like fun,” Steve agreed. “Wanna help me fly into the cargo hold?”

 

“Yeah,” Kellen said, and Lee could hear the excitement in her son’s voice as Steve slowed the shuttle to a speed that befitted a turtle.

 

Lee turned to see Steve Cortez as he jumped down from the shuttle in the cargo hold. “Thanks again Stevo,” she said, grinning. “Dunno what I’d do without you as my driver.” She winked, reaching for the bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

 

She watched as Kellen hurled himself at Liara, who had come down to greet them.

 

“Liara!” Kellen shouted enthusiastically, as the Shadow Broker wrapped her arms around the small boy.

 

“Hello Kellen,” Liara said.

 

Lee left Kellen down in the cargo hold with Steve and Liara, and then she headed up to change into her uniform. By the time she’d returned to the crew deck, Lee saw Kellen playing some turian strategy game with Garrus, Kellen’s dark head bent over the board.

 

Lee smiled as she saw them together, her heart glad that her son had so many people surrounding him with love. Yet she didn’t take that love, or the love of her crew, for granted. Instead, Lee knew the value of the friendships she had, the fact that her friends cared enough when she had been a mother newly widowed to support her had been an amazing thing that she would never be able to repay them for. The sleepless nights in her first few months of motherhood had been met with offers to hold Kellen while she got some shut-eye, but within weeks, Lee had the art of baby-wearing down to a science. Kellen had slept better, and so had she.

 

“Garrus, he’ll need a nap soon. He’s had a few big days,” Lee said, coming around to kiss Kellen’s dark head, and then sat.

 

“Why do I need a nap?” Kellen asked.

 

“Because I say so,” Lee replied. “You’ve had a big day, matey. Even mummy might have a nap.”

 

Garrus had started teaching Kellen the art of calibrating the Thanix Cannon.  Steve took Kellen in the shuttle whenever he was on shore leave, gradually teaching Kellen to fly and maintain it. Javik was trying unsuccessfully to teach Kellen to hunt, grumbling as he returned the small boy to his mother, muttering under his breath about primitives and their lack of aptitude for the task. Joker was trying to teach Kellen how to fly the _Normandy_ , and Kellen loved every minute of it. Liara was teaching Kellen the asari language, and every scrap of history she could, teaching him how to hack into secure systems in her capacity as Shadow Broker. Karin Chakwas was Granny to Kellen, and she doted on him. Tali taught Kellen everything she knew about engineering, sending the small boy--supervised--into the bowels of the ship. Samantha was teaching Kellen chess and Kepesh-Yakshi. In short, there was an abundance of people Kellen and Lee could call family.

 

Satisfied that Kellen was in capable hands, Lee made her way up to her large and lonely cabin, quickly tapping out an invitation for James to join her. Even though her son could and did sleep in her cabin with her, and knew the way, she had set him up in the port observation deck, where his father had once lived when not in the captain’s cabin.

 

Her desire to return to the farm grew stronger with every year she spent in the navy—it’d only ever been a means to an end. Every pay packet was carefully divided into what she knew she would spend, the rest set aside for her eventual return to earth and Australia.

 

Lee glanced at her display of model ships, smiling as she remembered the first one she had collected all those years earlier. Her fish swam in their aquarium, and she was glad she no longer had to keep buying new fish to replace the dead ones-- the aquarium VI took care of them for her. The hamster, Peredur, had been named after the warrior of the Round Table who had healed the Fisher King, and brought the king’s lands back to fertility, came out of his hidey hole. It’d taken her a long time to settle on her hamster’s name, like it’d taken her a long time to name her son. When it came to naming, Lee preferred to let the personality or spirit of whatever she was naming help her with the decision.

 

She glanced around her cabin, suddenly aware of the state of it, and frowned. She’d left the bed unmade, a tangle of sheets and blankets, the quilt half off. Quickly, she made her way towards it, pulling up sheets and straightening the blankets and quilt. She had just finished making the bed when the door slid open, and James entered.

  
Lee walked towards James, a slow smile spreading across her face. She reached him, stood on her tiptoes, and kissed him. It was a welcoming kiss, a kiss that promised that there was so much more to come.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Long Sunshine**

**Chapter Three**

  
I'm the daughter of a digger who sought the mother lode  
The girl became a woman on the long and dusty road  
I'm a child of the depression, I saw the good times come  
I'm a bushy, I'm a battler, I am Australian

 

\- _I Am Australian_ , Bruce Woodley and Dobe Newton

_July, 2190_

The toilet flushed as Lee exited the bathroom, feeling shaky. The artificial light came dazzling through  the large windows of the spacious apartment on the Citadel. Though it was not yet nine o’clock, the apartment felt to Lee like it was a portable classroom in the middle of summer with inadequate ventilation. Kellen was sleeping still, tucked up in his big boy bed, and James was in the kitchen, where Lee could smell the onions in the frying pan, the cumin, chilli and cheese that made up their usual morning fare of huevos rancheros. She could hear the coffee machine humming away as she made her way downstairs, clad only in her nightie, the light fabric brushing softly over the gentle swell of her belly. She smiled as she thought of telling James.

 

“That smells divine, James,” Lee smiled, coming to sit on the countertop where he was working. She leaned over to kiss him, “I’m a lucky woman to have a handsome man making me breakfast.”

 

“And I’m a lucky man to have such a lovely person to make breakfast for, Lola,” James said, smiling back at her. “Is Destructo-Kel up yet?”

 

Lee shook her head. “Nah. Let him sleep—it’s been a big few days for him.” She slid off the bench and grabbed a coffee cup from the rack hanging above the coffee machine. She pressed three buttons on the machine, and within seconds her coffee was ready and drinkable. Lee took a sip, and put her coffee down on the counter, before deciding that she really wasn’t sure if she liked it or not. Her tastebuds changed with pregnancy, and she made a face. “Seems like coffee might be on the no-go list,” she said with a sigh.

 

“Hmm?” James glanced over at Lee, “Why’s coffee on the no-go list?”

 

“Um, because I’m pregnant,” Lee replied, biting her lip as the words came out.  “I can’t stand coffee when I’m pregnant.”

 

The look on James’s face, Lee observed, changed from half listening to a sudden, hawk-like focus. She watched as he turned to face her properly, his jaw going slack as he processed the news, rubbing the back of his neck and stammering. “Wait, _what?_ ” he asked, before Lee saw the dawning comprehension of what she had told him finally sink in. A smile cracked his face in two as he swept her off the bench, in a fierce and sudden hug that left her breathless.  She looped her arms around his neck as James kissed her, tender and loving. He set her down a few moments later, and she saw the excitement in his eyes.

 

“We’ve created a life, James,” Lee said with a hint of awe in her voice. “A beautiful, perfect life that is waiting to be lived.” She leaned her head against his side, and he looped his arm around her waist, drawing her close once more.

 

When she was pregnant with Kellen, she’d known almost instantly. Some women did, Lee knew, and she was one of the lucky ones. Her morning sickness would disappear sometime in the next few weeks, as it had done before. It was only a matter of time before she either had a blood test, or peed into a cup for pathology, to determine how far along she was. Lee wasn’t even sure if she felt ready for another baby, but she knew that whatever happened, this child would be just as loved.

 

It wouldn’t be fair to James if she didn’t tell him this was her third pregnancy. “Hey, um… I think I need to tell you something,” she said quietly. She took a deep breath, looking up at James and seeing him bracing himself, blurted the next bit out, deciding to just get it over with. “When I was seventeen, I had a baby I gave up for adoption.” She tipped her coffee down the sink, and made a cup of tea.

 

She bit her lip, searching his face for some sort of reaction. “You thought that was some big bad thing?” James’s voice sounded thoughtful. “C’mon, let’s go sit on the couch, and you can tell me the story.”  He turned the gas off on the hob, and grabbed his coffee, leading Lee to the couch, her cup of tea in her other hand.

 

They sat on the couch, and Lee leaned against James, taking a moment to gather her thoughts into some semblance of coherency. James wrapped his arm around her, and she felt safe and secure in his embrace. She really had to tell him this—the awful, painful bit of her past that she didn’t tell _anyone._

 

“I told you how I grew up on a farm, right?” Lee took a deep breath, searching for the words that she knew she had to say. “Well, when I was sixteen, the United Australia bank came swooping in like a seagull in search of a chip on a beach. Dad’s love of expensive tractors that totalled in the millions of credits meant that they were coming after us for the loans that he’d taken out to pay for the machinery. Somehow, he’d managed to hide the debt from Mum, and I have no idea why she didn’t know.”

 

“I didn’t know tractors were so expensive,” James said, and Lee looked up at him, a small smile tugging at her lips.

 

“They are—they’re fucking fancy now, what with their self-driving capabilities, and everything. You think geth agriculture units are fancy—wait till you see the tractors back on Earth. Not a patch on them,” Lee replied flippantly, giving his hand a squeeze.

 

“So, they’re fucking  fancy machines,” James said. “I know this stuff isn’t easy to talk about, Lee,” he added quietly, his hand resting on hers. “Take as long as you need.”

 

She took a deep breath, and began talking again.

 

“The first thing I knew of it was after getting off the bus from school in Canberra to find several aggro men standing around the farm gate, wearing suits and talking into their omnitools and someone had a pair of bolt-cutters they were using to cut the lock off the gate so they could plaster notices on the door that they were repossessing the place.” Lee’s hands tightened around her cup, but she took a breath and continued, the words coming out slowly, but steadily and surely.

 

“The bank sold _everything_. They said that everything had to go—even the animals I’d saved up for and paid for with my own money. They laughed at me when I showed them the certificates of registration, listing them in my name, saying I couldn’t own them, that they were a part of my parent’s debt. They didn’t _care_ that I’d spent thousands and thousands of credits doing artificial insemination and embryo transfers in order to get my hands on new and rare bloodlines. All my hard work, destroyed by those heartless, fucking drongo bankers.” Years later, the pain of losing those animals still felt raw. She’d worked so hard on her goats, and to have them sold off arbitrarily like that had stung. The injustice of it all still rankled.

 

“We moved to Canberra, to a public housing block on Northbourne Avenue. My mother—my fucking stupid mother, fucked off to far north Queensland not long after that. Dunno how we got into public housing so quickly, usually the wait lists are longer than your right arm.” She tried to contain the bitterness that even so many years later still held sway over her memories of that year.  No matter how much she distanced herself from it, the entire affair had left her with a lot of anger.

 

James rubbed her back as she spoke, and Lee leaned into his reassuring touch, his presence helping her get the story out. Taking a sip of tea in a futile attempt to control the emotion, she brushed back the tears that had slipped unbidden down her cheeks.

 

“To lose my herd, my home, and my mother in the space of about a month did nothing to make anything easier. Bridie wasn’t around—she’d left for Tassie to do her degree in chemistry, which lead to her finding a passion for brewing and distilling. Jacko had his own farm and didn’t give two fucks about the whole thing, Hadrian left for California two weeks before the farm was repossessed—so it was just me left there. Me and my poor fucking idiot father.”

 

Wiping the tears away with hurried fingers, Lee leaned back against James again, loving how solid and stable he was.

 

“Anyway,” Lee said softly, “All that stuff lead to a few fucking terrible decisions. I was hurting and angry as fuckery—with mum, with dad, with the bank, everyone and everything. There was bugger all to do in the arvo, so I started  hanging with the kids who lived in the flats around mine. I was fucking embarrassed to have my friends from school around, cause Dad started smoking crack and shit like that. They sorta figured it out, but I hated it—they pitied me, and their parents were such lovely people that I felt I _couldn’t_ really let them know what was goin’ on. I isolated myself, which in retrospect  was really bloody stupid of me. I didn’t _want_ their fucking pity.”

 

She gave a tiny little laugh that sounded halfway between a snort and a sigh. “I had a boyfriend who was really the worst boyfriend I’ve ever had. He knew I was comfortable with guns and shit like that, so he introduced me to a mate of his who needed someone who was y’know, not scared of them. Enzo Gareffa was his name, and he woulda been in his forties at the time—ran a bikie gang with strong ties to the Calabrian Mafia. Why he needed or wanted a sixteen year old to be his arm’s master, I’ll never know.” Lee said.

 

“Bikie?” James tried the word, and she chuckled slightly.

 

“Outlaw motorcycle gang,” Lee said. “There’s a shitton of them in Australia. The one I ran with was the Reds, a pretty thuggish lot. Did a lot of shakedowns and drug running. Enzo was a nasty SOB who, like my dad, fought in the First Contact War, and got really fucked up by it. A lot of the older members were pretty fucked up. Still don’t quite understand why they wanted _me_ as their arms master, but it worked out okay for a while. I broke up with the boyfriend, got horridly drunk and pretty stoned, and slept with one of the other blokes. Three months later, I found out that I was pregnant and I’d dropped out of school, and been living with this bloke who ended up getting his head blown off by a rival bikie in a shootout—I wasn’t there when that happened, thankfully. After that, I went back to Braidwood, and some mates, a couple called Jack and Sarai, let me crash at theirs in exchange for me helping them on their farm. I’d been a bridesmaid at their wedding, and they were one of the few families I kept in touch with after leaving. Eight weeks before I turned eighteen, I had a baby girl. Jack and Sarai adopted her."

 

 

James sipped his coffee, still rubbing Lee’s back. She leaned into his touch, grateful that he had listened without interruptions, without saying much. “I knew you were a strong woman, Lee,” he said at last, putting his coffee back down on the table and gathering her into his arms. “I think I’m in awe of how strong you are. You’re amazing, and a whole lot of other things. Thank you  for trusting me with this.” He kissed the top of her head, holding her in a way that made Lee feel safe, loved.

 

Lee felt the sadness and the anger recede, all the pain she’d held onto for so long. It felt _good_ —cathartic even—to tell someone the full story. Kaidan had never known the entire truth, she had prettied it up and edited out the worst bits of it so it was more palatable. After her death over Alchera and her resurrection on Lazarus Station, she had felt disjointed, as though a part of her had died then and she could never regain what she had lost. When Kaidan had shown up on Horizon, and accused her of all the worst things she could think of, she had been angry, hurting.

 

“Mummy? I think I wet the bed,” Kellen’s voice broke them out of their private thoughts.

 

“Oh Kel,” Lee sighed, and James stood. “C’mon mate, let’s get you in the shower and your bed stripped, yeah?” She stood up and took Kellen’s hand, reassuring her son that it was okay. Leading him to the bathroom, Lee waited until he was showered before ducking out, and stripped the bed. After she had dressed him, she remade the bed efficiently.

 

“We’re going on an adventure today,” Lee told Kellen with a bright smile as they sat down to breakfast in the kitchen twenty minutes later. She passed the hot sauce across to James, and picked up her knife and fork and began eating. “How’d you like to go to the Silversun Arcade?”

 

Kellen looked at Lee, and then at James. “Sure! I want to play the game Zeed always plays with me.”

 

Lee chuckled softly. “Matey, Zaeed’s not gonna be there. He’s off the Citadel doing something.”

 

“He’s _always_ there,” Kellen insisted, slurping and sloshing half his juice down his t-shirt. “Isn’t he, Uncle James?” He turned his head to look at James, imploringly.

 

“Not always. Sometimes he’s on the shooting range, or Armax Arena.” James answered.

 

“Why can’t _I_ go on the shooting range? I’d hit everything,” Kellen pouted, as he made a gun from his thumb and forefinger. “Pow! Pow! You’re dead.”

 

Lee pretended to fall to the floor, before her giggles got the better of her. “Uh, Kel? Shooting people  is generally considered rude,” she said through her giggles. “Mummy and Uncle James only shoot Reapers.” She caught James’s eye, flashing him a grin. “But you, matey, need a fresh shirt.”

 

“Can I wear my dragon suit? Rawr! Rawr! Rawr!” Kellen asked, looking at Lee with a hopeful expression.

 

“It’s in the wash. Why don’t you wear your N7?” Lee suggested, smiling. He _was_ , after all, her son—the N7 in training, she often thought.

 

Kellen pushed his lower lip out and down over his chin in an exaggerated expression, suddenly reminding Lee of Hadrian. “I don’t wanna. I want my dragon suit!” Kellen insisted. “It’s **not** in the wash! I saw it.”

 

“You saw it because I put it in the wash, Kel,” Lee reminded him, “You got oil from the shuttle all over it when you were helping Uncle Steve, remember?”

 

Kellen nodded, and looked up at Lee.

 

 “Alright. Can I be an N7 someday?” Kellen asked. “I’d be an awesome N7.”

 

Lee smiled, taking him by the hand and leading him into the bedroom, where she proceeded to dress him in a fresh t-shirt and shorts underneath his N7 armour replica. Returning downstairs, she looked over at James and then back to Kellen.

 

“Finally,” she mouthed over her son’s head, rolling her eyes.

 

After breakfast, Lee put the leg of lamb in the oven to cook, setting the temperature so it would slow-roast while they were out.

 

Leaving the apartment twenty minutes later, Lee laced her fingers through James’s as they walked towards Castle Arcade, marvelling at the crowd of people who jostled past them, oblivious to everything outside their own personal bubbles. It gave her some much-needed anonymity, the chance to just be with her son and her partner, doing some ordinary, family things. Nobody called out to her as they proceeded along the crowded Silversun Strip, nor did anyone blink as she handed them her credit chit to pay the extortionate fees to enter Castle Arcade.

 

It always felt like an assault on her senses when she walked inside the arcade, full of discordant music, lights strobing around her as she struggled to understand the appeal of the place. It never had been her favourite choice of venue—but her son loved it—and so she endured it for his sake. She looked down as Kellen bounced up and down on the balls of his feet, his excitement palpable in his eyes and in the massive grin that cut across his face.

 

“Mummy! I can see Zeed!” Kellen pointed, as Lee spotted the grizzled mercenary. Turning to her now, he narrowed his gaze at her. “You told me he wouldn’t be here.” He stuck his bottom lip out, and Lee had to fight the urge to laugh.

 

“I was wrong, then.” Lee said as she followed Kellen’s gaze to the familiar, unique armour belonging to Zaeed Massani. Kellen grabbed her hand and lead her, running in his impatience,  towards the old mercenary.

 

“Shepard.” Zaeed grunted the word in his familiar accent that Lee had never quite placed. She thought it might be Cockney, or even Afrikaans. “Little Shepard.”

 

“Zeed!” Kellen gave a squeal of delight, and launched himself at Zaeed.

 

Lee winced as Zaeed grunted with the impact of her robust four year old. He always seemed so enthusiastic whenever Zaeed was around.

 

“Can we play that game now?” Kellen asked Zaeed, looking up at him as Lee hid her smile.

 

Zaeed  groaned in what Lee felt sure was mock frustration. “Always on about that goddamn game. All right, little Shepard.”

 

Kellen squealed with delight and Zaeed lead him to the game they played whenever they went to the Castle Arcade. Hanging back with James, Lee looked out across the crowded arcade, sighing as she did so. Castle Arcade’s prices were ridiculous, and all Kellen ever did when they came was spend an inordinate amount of time playing such a game that Lee knew was probably rigged.

 

“C’mon, let’s get a drink,” Lee said to James as they joined the growing queue of parents doing exactly the same thing. It would be tea for her, and coffee for James. A few people jostled them, paying little attention to either Lee or James, and she felt a rush of gratitude that she could be relatively anonymous in this one place on the Citadel.

 

“What can I get you?” The asari cashier looked bored, and Lee didn’t blame her. Giving her their drink orders, Lee and James stepped into the waiting section of the coffee shop. After a few moments, they had their drinks, and found a small table.

 

“I want to get back to Earth soon,” Lee said as she sipped her chai latte. “Check up on things on the farm, maybe even spend my entire maternity leave there, for a nice change. You with me on that?” She looked at James. “I’ll sweeten the pot and buy you the most ridiculous Akubra I can find,” she continued, a hint of mischief dancing in her eyes.

 

“What’s an Akubra?” James asked, laughing. “It’s not some weird croc I can ride or anything, right, Lola?”

 

Lee laughed. “A cowboy hat,” she explained. “ _Very_ Strine, very traditional. I have approximately ten of them at home. That hat I wear at Madeline’s is one.”

 

“Strine?” James tried the word, “Australian, right?” He took a sip of his coffee, and smiled.

 

“Yep. Got it in one.” Sipping her chai latte, she glanced over her shoulder at Kellen and Zaeed, who seemed to be having a grand old time. “The farm, well, I got it back from them years ago, but it’d been horribly mismanaged. First thing I did was hire a competent farm manager—stern, no-nonsense, lovely woman called Bronwyn. Best hire I’ve made outside my Alliance career.”

 

“You wanna return there?” James asked. “I’m game to give it a go, Lola. Though I can’t promise I’m good at any stuff like that—you saw my horsemanship .”

 

“Yeah, I wanna go home. If I don’t go now, I probably never will.” She took another sip of her drink, and sighed.

 

“I’ve been thinking it’d be cool to see Australia, and where you're from. But I'm not a farmer, no experience with anything except moving cows, and that was hard enough." James said.

 

Lee smiled, grateful. “You won’t run away during drought, flood and fire?” she asked flippantly. Terror tore through her at the prospect of drought and flood—fire she could handle. Drought and flood, on the other hand, well, they were the farmer’s enemy—though she drew a deep breath, and reminded herself that in the war, she had faced a far worse enemy and come through it.

 

“I promise I won’t,” James said, and Lee knew he didn’t understand her terror, but she knew he’d stay through the heartache of drought and flood.

 

 _I love her far horizons, I love her jewel-sea, her beauty and her terror, the wide brown land for me_. Unbidden, Dorothea Mackellar’s _My Country_ flooded into Lee’s mind, and she knew that coming back to Australia, back to her land that even now called her home. The siren’s call could not be avoided forever.

 

“We’ll have to get some dogs—I love dogs.” When Lee spoke next, her voice sounded steady. “Do you have a preference?”

 

“I always liked Staffies,” James said, “Happy dogs, those ones. Big grins. Also like the idea of a pet varren.”

 

Lee nodded. “What about Border Collies? Any thoughts on them? You can have a Staffy, though—no  varren,” she added as an afterthought. “’Straya’s had enough problems with introduced species over the centuries—we have a terrible track record.”

 

James choked on his coffee. “Wait, _why_?” He thumped his chest with his free hand, and Lee tried not to smile a little at his incredulity.

 

“We ‘Strayans take our biosec pretty seriously.”  She grinned broadly, and sipped her chai latte. “Seriously, though. I mean I _could_ use Spectre authority and all that, but I doubt the dumb shits who run the country would really stop _me_ from bringing in a pack of varren—I _only_ saved  the entire universe.” She giggled again, and reached over the table to kiss James.

 

“Of all the people I thought wouldn’t go mad on power,” James said, laughing.

 

“You never know,” Lee replied, “I might harbour a secret  desire to be Donnel Udina.”

 

“Never.” James said as he took another sip of coffee.

 

Kellen came bouncing towards them with Zaeed close on his heels. “Little Shepard wants to know if we can go to Armax. Told him no, but he wanted to check. Goddamn kid.” Affection laced his words, and Lee chuckled.

 

“No, Kel. Not Armax, not today.” Lee said, looking at her son and then back at Zaeed.   _Not until he’s old enough_ , she thought. _I fought the war so he’d never have to pick up a gun._

 

“That’s what I told him,” Zaeed grumbled, pulling a chair from a nearby table and parking himself on it. “Kid wouldn’t listen.”

 

“Kellen, I told you this morning, remember?” Lee said, vacating her seat to crouch down at Kellen’s level to gain eye contact. “We’re not going to Armax.” She watched as Kellen’s face changed, and the warning signs of a tantrum brewing were writ large on his features.

 

“I wanna go to Armax!” Kellen bellowed, and Lee picked him up by his armpits as they made a hasty retreat out of earshot, an apologetic backwards glance at Zaeed.  

 

“Kellen. No. If you’re gonna act like this, we can’t come here anymore.” Lee said, kneeling down to his level.

 

“I wanna go to Armax,” he repeated.

 

“No. You can either continue this tantrum or you can calm down and we’ll have another go at the game, okay?” Lee said firmly, hoping it would be enough to avoid the tantrum that had been brewing all morning.

 

Kellen looked up at her, and Lee knew she’d won the battle. “One more game,” he repeated, a bright smile crossing his face. “C’mon Mummy. Let’s  go play.”

 

Lee smiled at Kellen, and allowed herself to be dragged back through into the arcade proper. She kissed his head as they played numerous rounds of Shattered Eezo and Claw, James having found a place to sit and chat with Zaeed. The two men got along well, Lee thought as she glanced over her shoulder to see them laughing at something one of them had said.

 

At midday, they returned to the apartment, Zaeed included, for lunch. The smell of roast lamb wafted through the apartment, the garlic aromatic enough that she could taste it in the back of her mouth. It reminded her of home, of the roast legs of hogget her mother had cooked. Small rituals like those were the ones she kept, and knew their value well.

 

“Zaeed? Wanna carve?” Lee asked as she pulled her roast out of the oven and set it on the chopping block. “Or should I?”

 

“I showed you how, sweetheart,” Zaeed grumbled. “You’re the sheep farmer, not me. You should know by now.”

 

“It’s tradition that the one with the most battle scars does the carving, though, mate,” Lee shot back, grinning broadly. “I think you’re the one most qualified.”

 

Grumbling further, Zaeed crossed the kitchen to where the shoulder of lamb waited for him to carve it. Picking up the carving fork and the deadly-sharp butcher’s knife, Zaeed cut the lamb in thin slices, while Lee tipped the pan juices into a pot and made gravy the way she’d done it at Madeline’s, and within ten minutes, the four of them were tucking into their lunch.

 

“Tell me about the time you were facing batarian slavers without anything but your combat knife and your brilliant wits,” Lee said, spearing a piece of lamb and a piece of pumpkin onto her fork as she glanced at Zaeed.

 

“Not that story again,” Zaeed said, pretending reluctance to tell it.

 

“Please?” Kellen implored him, and Zaeed smiled.

 

“It was during the Skyllian Blitz, though I didn’t know it at the time,” he began, warming to the story as he took a sip of rum from a hip flask. “We were stuck, Vido and me, in a hole near the southeast corner of this little camp…”

 

Several hours later, when Zaeed had gone home, with a sizeable portion of left over lamb and baked vegetables, Lee glanced around the serene apartment. The ostentatious size of it sometimes awed her, but she had long gotten used to it. As homes went, Lee had rarely found any that compared to it, but she dreamed of her home in Australia, where she would raise James’s child, grow old, and live her life as it was meant to have been lived.

 

Joining James in the hot tub, she sighed blissfully as the water bubbled and foamed around them. “I’ve had a lovely day,” she said, and kissed him.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Long Sunshine**

**Chapter Four**

 

It was thunder, it was lightning the sky opened up and love tumbled down  
It was fearless, it was reckless, it was real, it’s raining on dust  
It was love in the time of drought

\- _Love in the time of Drought,_ Lee Kernaghan

_September 2190_

“Now Shepard,” Karin Chakwas spoke as she activated her omnitool’s projector for the pregnancy scan she was about to perform. “I know you’ve been through this procedure before, and are probably ready to find out the sex of your baby.”

 

Lee looked at James, both of them excited and nervous at the same time. She felt James grip her hand as Dr Chakwas pulled up the relevant software on her omnitool and waved it at Lee’s growing belly. Lee considered Karin to be one of her closest friends, close enough for Kellen, and this baby, to call her granny—and of course, there was Mads, who Lee knew would love _this_ baby, too.

 

She could feel James’s excitement radiating from him in the warm squeeze he gave her hand. Lee knew James to be just as excited—or even more excited—than she was. The suspense seemed to hang in the air, a thick wave of shimmering possibilities. Lee imagined James with a little girl, the mental image altogether adorable—James with a little girl having a tea party, complete with frilly pink apron and blue china teapot and saucers, the dolls sitting down with James and his daughter—and she couldn’t shake the feeling that that mental image would be a reality.  

 

Lee stole a glance at Karin, who looked up from her scanner with a smile. “Well, doc? What’re we having? Do I need to start making a blanket in purples, pinks and Alliance blue?”

 

Karin’s smile could’ve split the room. Lee and James exchanged a look. “It’s a girl, Shepard. A healthy baby girl. Congratulations.”

 

James’s face split into two at the news, Lee saw. It was the loveliest thing she’d seen in a long time—the smile that radiated happiness. She felt her own smile, wide and happy, and she reached her hand out to squeeze James’s hand.

 

“A girl!” Lee looked at James, and then back at the scan, her heart full of joy at the news. Kellen would be a big brother, and Lee knew then that he would be a good one—the kid who never complained about his mother leaving him with others for long periods of time would now have  a sister. She knew, too, that she could count on support from her friends—the _Normandy_ ’s crew were more than friends to her after all they had been through together.

 

“I’ve always thought I’d like a girl,” James said, with a smile that broke his face in two, and then he leaned across to kiss Lee, and she could feel  the joy in his heart as they kissed. There was something so lovely in James’s joy at knowing the sex of the baby that Lee felt she had hit the jackpot.

 

“We should tell Kel he’s gonna have a baby sister,” Lee said softly, after their kiss ended.

 

“Let’s go tell him, then,” James replied, leading them both towards Kellen’s room, their fingers entwined.

 

They walked into what had once been Kaidan’s room aboard the _Normandy_ , and before it had been Kaidan’s, it had been Samara’s. The Starboard Observation Lounge had changed dramatically in the four years since the end of the war. It was no longer a room with just couches and a bookshelf or two, but it’d since changed to accommodate a small child’s bed, covered with a quilt made by Mads from Kaidan’s uniforms. Toys were strewn across the floor, a model train set huffing as it chugged along a track, with a delighted small boy watching it.

 

“Mummy! Look at this!” Kellen raced over to his mother as he saw her, and took her free hand. “I got it to work!”

 

Lee let herself be led by her son to the model train set, where she saw the delicate calibrations he’d made by himself. It never ceased to amaze her when her son did something beyond the capacity of most four year old children. He was the kid who knew how to fix something without being shown, an instinctive knowledge of how things worked.

 

“Well done, Kel,” Lee said, a smile on her face as she looked at the remarkable feat. “It looks great.”

 

“Thanks Mummy,” Kellen replied, smiling back at her.  “It was easy once I figured out how to get the tracks right.”

 

“I’m impressed, little man,” James said, crouching low so to be at Kellen’s level as he watched the train puff its way along the tracks.

 

“It’s really fun, Unca James,” Kellen said, “I love doing this.”

 

The delight Lee saw in her son’s face as he changed the track with a quick, deft movement made her heart burst with pride. These were the moments Lee lived for—the moments when Kellen was verbal, lucid, coherent. Over the years, she had become convinced that there was something not quite right with his brain—he’d never been a ‘normal’ child, whatever ‘normal’ meant.  She was grateful, though, that when he was interested in something, he became hyper focused, like now.

 

She watched as Kellen adjusted the tracks once again, his little face screwed up in concentration.  Squatting down to Kellen’s level, Lee attempted to get eye contact with her son, “Kel, Unca James and I have something to tell you.”

 

Kellen didn’t look up, and Lee sighed, knowing it wouldn’t be easy. “Kellen.”

 

This time, Lee had her son’s attention. “What, Mumma? I’m busy right now.”

 

“You’re going to have a baby sister in four months’ time,” Lee said, hoping to break through her son’s intense concentration.

 

Kellen didn’t respond, and Lee saw the typical signs she’d learned were his way of processing information. It was this little look he got, eyes glazed over with intense concentration he was giving the train set.

 

“Kellen, little man?” James crouched down to Kellen’s level, and Lee saw Kellen glance up at James, almost resentfully as he broke his intense concentration long enough for James to pull her son into a hug.

 

“Your Mama is going to have a baby in a few months. A little sister for you.”

 

“I heard Mummy the first time,” Kellen said, looking up at his mother and James.

 

Lee wanted to laugh, and then cry. Her beautiful, loving son probably felt as though he would be replaced by this new human in their lives. He couldn’t know that this child that grew inside her was as wanted as Kellen was, he couldn’t understand that—yet. In time, Lee hoped her son would understand. The range of complex emotions that she felt tumbled through her head. It was hard knowing Kellen and his father were so very alike, in both looks and mannerisms, and a part of her still grieved for Kaidan—would _always_ grieve for the fact that Kellen would never know who he had been. Yet the other part of her knew that her relationship with Kaidan wouldn’t have survived after the war, would’ve ended in a messy divorce—they were brought together under trying circumstances, but she did not regret her relationship with him.

 

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” Lee crouched to her son’s level, knowing without his answer why. Kellen wasn’t ready to be a big brother, but Lee knew he would make an excellent one.

 

“Cause I’m busy, mumma,” Kellen replied.

 

“Kel, that’s no excuse,” Lee said. She drew him close to her, and guided his hands to the gentle swell of her belly. “Can you feel how it’s changing?”

 

She watched her son’s reaction, and the giant smile on his face.

 

James could never replace Kaidan in her heart, but there was a new space there for him, right next to the scar Kaidan’s death had cut into it. This was different, this new love she felt for James—it was as if the sun was peeking out from underneath heavy rain clouds, the promise of a bright new day after a long soaking deluge. The rain that had been a blessing now disappeared, the sun needed a chance to shine, to beat down on the hills and nurture the crops that depended on it.  In her heart, those first rays of sun were starting to peek out from behind the clouds, sure sign that the last four years of cloudy rainy days were over.

 

Lee reached for James’s hand, and together, they walked out of the Starboard Observation Lounge, a smile on their faces. She knew that whatever happened over the course of the years to come, she’d have James by her side, his presence comforting, loving her. Lee had learned over the past four years just how much James cared about the people on the _Normandy_ , his extraordinary kindness he had shown during the war, his unfailing support during the early days of Lee’s ride into motherhood.

 

James looked at Lee, and Lee smiled at him, her delight at the fact that she had a good man standing beside her obvious, a baby on the way. In another month, Lee knew she wouldn’t be going on ground missions. During the war it had been hard for her to stay aboard while the team she had always lead on ground missions went on without her. She had done it, her teeth gritted, stomach twisting in knots as she waited, anxiety wreaking havoc on her senses. Her sacred duty was to the life inside her—the life that waited to be born, the strong desire to protect her baby, not fling herself onto the battlefield, where only death and chaos awaited her. She was the mother, not the virgin or the crone, but that sacred, ancient role of nurturer, of life-giver, not life-taker—she could not afford to be selfish, she could not afford to harm the precious life within.

 

The war was over, had been for four years. There would be no question this time as to her role as mother, a fierce and protective mother, one who gave all her love not only to her children, but the father of said children, too. A sow in farrow, the protector of her child, a symbol of abundance and fertility, Lee knew she was just as protective of those who were hers as the sow was of her piglets. The fact that her daughter had been conceived at Beltane brought her every measure of peace possible, the stag sacrificed for the rebirth—not just for the rebirth of the life inside, but the rebirth of the galaxy. Kellen’s birth, conversely, had been at Samhain, the end of the harvest season, the end of the war—when the start of winter had gripped the galaxy in its icy clutches, when the darkest days were only just beginning.

 

The desire to get back to Earth, to feel the solid ground under her feet drove her now. The desire grew stronger with each and every year she spent in space. Her job as a marine had only ever been the means to an end. She had never considered, when she joined up, that she would come to care for the people she met in the Alliance—that she would find a husband in that most unexpected of places, and then lose him. Yet she knew that without the love and support she had found, she would not have the strength to go back, to start working the land she loved best. She wanted to get back to those gentle rolling hills, the mist from the coast rolling in as she sat on the veranda in the evenings, a beer in hand and a dog at her side. The old weatherboard house with louvre windows and big wrap-around veranda with an enclosed portion at the back for summer sleeping called to her.

 

The dream grew stronger now, and if she didn’t return this time, she knew she never would. Lee needed the healing powers of the land, of growing and feeling the hot sun baking her back as she put sheep through the yards, or drive them, on horseback, to their newest paddock, the pasture already improved by the chickens in the massive mobile shed she had moved on. The life of the farmer had always called to her, the healing balm of her sacred duty to the animals soothing to her torn and fractured soul. Weed clearing, handled by the mobs of goats, would be done in record time. Lee contemplated contacting the quarians, and seeing if they would loan her some geth units to help, for when she actually had to sleep.

 

She imagined their daughter with her back up against a sitting cow, leaning on the quiet and gentle animal. The beautiful image stayed with her in her mind as she walked through the quiet mess, the hum of EDI and the drive core barely a whisper. Reaching her cabin, Lee sat down at the desk, her heart torn between the life she had on the _Normandy_ , the quiet orderliness of it all, and the farm that waited for her on earth. She had joined the Alliance Navy as a means to an end, always dreaming of the day the farm would be hers again. Lee had never expected to fall in love with the galaxy, with the people who she had come to care for, with the way of life the Alliance offered her.

 

Lee wondered what would have happened had she never become a Spectre. Perhaps she wouldn’t have her farm, left in the capable hands of her farm manager, Bronwyn. It had taken Lee a while to find her manager—interviewing countless candidates until finding the right one. Some had wanted to do the complete opposite of what Lee envisaged, a complete mismatch of ideologies, and while they were experienced, competent farm managers, they hadn’t been what she wanted. She was glad she’d taken her time to choose someone, it was just as important as having a good XO aboard the _Normandy,_ someone she could trust to carry out what she wanted done.

 

James entered the cabin as Lee looked up from the latest reports Bronwyn had sent her.

 

“What’s that you’re looking at, Lola?” he asked her, coming up behind her with a cup of chai for her.

 

“Pics from the farm, do you want to see?” she replied, taking the mug from him gratefully. By most standards, it was either early morning or very late at night, but Lee had long forgotten what normal time felt like. She took a sip of her chai latte and sighed in pleasure at the rich, milky brew as it made its way down, and then put her mug on the table in front of her. Lee scooted over to make room for James on the couch.

 

“Sure,” James said, and sat down next to her.  “I’d love to.”  He drew her close and kissed the top of her head.

 

Lee chuckled, nestling into James’s embrace. “Bron sent me these the other day,” she said, handing James the datapad so he could see. The grey-green pine trees stretched high above the mouth of the Deua River, the water rippling over rocks along the riverbed.

 

“I spent heaps of time with Bridie, Jacko and Hadrian down on the river during the summer—we’d play games and splash about in the river, yabbying and fishing—I _hated_ fishing and yabbying cause Jacko and Hadrian always made me do the gutting, shelling, and deboning—worst job ever. Can’t eat or look at yabbies to this day cause they’d make me set the yabby traps, too. It’s a pain in the arse setting those bloody traps—they’re complicated buggers and you have to use meat as a bait,” she continued, flicking through the photos. A smile crossed her face as she saw the rolling hills, the hint of a glorious spring and summer to come in the brown sludge of the winter ground. “This will all be green come November, then dry off in January.”

 

James nodded as Lee flicked through to another photo, this one of a small herd of multi-coloured goats. “These are some of my foundation herd of Nigerian Dwarf dairy goats—managed to track down some of my old bloodlines, no easy thing to do, twenty-odd years later.” She glanced up at James.

 

“They look… like goats,” James said, and Lee giggled.

 

“They’re a hardy little goat, the Nigerian,” Lee said pointing a finger at one that seemed to be proclaiming herself queen of the rock. The photo showed a goat with horns silhouetted against the azure sky standing on top of the old, stripped-down caravan that was their shelter.

 

“Cute goats.” James said, as Lee snuggled closer to him.

 

Taking another sip of tea, she felt a tiny fluttering in her belly. It was nothing like the quickening she’d experienced when pregnant with Kellen—during that pregnancy, it’d been like a stronger, more determined knock on a door after the first three attempts at rousing the occupants had failed. This girl seemed much more polite, Lee thought. “Uh, James,” Lee said, as she took his hand and placed it where their daughter was now making herself known.

 

Lee watched the expression on James’s face as he felt the fluttering for the first time.

 

 

_November._

She saw the cloud of dust long before she saw the source of it. Wiping her face with her sleeve, Lee pushed the brim of her Akubra hat up so that she could see through the gathering dust to what the disturbance was. Her three puppies— one a Maremma, the other two Border Collies—barked at the approaching vehicle, and she knew this was not someone that she knew.  She stood on the veranda, wearing her long sleeved blue farm shirt, ripped at the hem from a fencing mishap, the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, her heavily pregnant belly jutting out in front. Another month, and the baby would be born. Inside the house, she could hear Kellen and James talking animatedly, and she sat down on the chair on the veranda, happy to listen as the words flowed out through the open windows.

 

In the hot late November afternoon sun, the hills at the far side of the paddocks bathed in the golden light. She could hear the trickle of the river running down over the rocks, and the tinkle of her goats bells as they picked their way through the old growth pine forest plantation in the paddock behind the house.

 

The sight of a grey utility—or as Lee called them—utes, coming up the driveway made her nervous. They weren’t expecting anyone to come, and she had been sure the chain around the gate was locked, but whoever it was had either hacked it, or stuffed omnigel into the keyhole. Reaching for the old rifle that was always in arm's reach, Lee picked up the unloaded weapon and raised it as someone parked and got out of the ute.

 

“Are you Admiral Shepard?” A girl, no more than nineteen, called out to Lee.

 

“Who’s asking?” Lee replied, cautious. There was something about the girl that looked familiar to her, now that she looked closely. Her puppies barked loudly, ferociously at the newcomer, but Lee spoke softly to the dogs, and the dogs quietened.

 

They were her father’s eyes, bright blue and startling, that stared openly at Lee as she studied the girl’s face. The mouth was the same shape as hers, and Lee saw the familiar crooked bottom front teeth so much like her own. The girl’s hair glowed soft honey blonde in the sunlight—just as hers did, and seeing her standing there, Lee knew beyond a shadow of doubt that this was her child-- the girl she had given up for adoption just before she joined the Alliance.

 

“I’m your daughter,” the girl said, as Lee did not relax her hold on the gun she had aimed at her.

 

“I had a feeling you’d show up sooner or later. Bound to happen now I’m back.” Lee said, deciding finally to lower her rifle.

 

“My mum and dad told me, after you became the first Human Spectre,” the girl replied. “They saw it on the vids and decided that it’d be the right time to tell me who my birth mother was.”

 

“Right,” Lee replied, caution and incredulity mixing in her voice as the child that grew in her belly kicked. The girl coming to her farm on this little patch of earth she called her own made her suspicious. How had the girl known to look there? How had the girl managed to track her down? Lee half turned, as her mind and heart raced, to glance into the house, and saw James getting to his feet.

 

“Charlie Royds—I’m Jack and Sarai’s daughter,” the girl said, and Lee saw the uncanny similarities between herself and the girl.

 

There was a long, pregnant pause. Lee knew the Royds family well-- they had been early settlers of Braidwood, along with the Shepards. She’d gone to school with members of the family, knew their names and their farms well.

 

“How’s your dad?” Lee enquired.

 

“You know ‘im?” Charlie’s voice sounded curious.

 

“Course I do—I spent a heap of time hanging out with him when I was young—he took me in when I was seventeen and up the duff with you. How’s he doing?” Lee asked.  She’d had a crush on Jack when she’d been no more than sixteen. He’d been a cocky rouseabout and jackaroo, working in the shearing shed whenever Lee’s family shore their flock of Jacob sheep, sweeping the wool while she brought smoko to the shearers. Jack had been six years older.

 

“He’s great. Survived the war, at least.” Charlie said, waving away ten or fifteen blowflies that had started to crawl on her face. “So did Sarai, by the way.”

 

The girl would’ve grown up on a property not far from her own, a couple of thousand hectares of land stretching out as far as the eye could see, Mount Gillamatong on the far horizon. Lee knew the place well, having spent happy summers there on the banks of the Shoalhaven camping and fishing with friends.

 

“Come in, then. Can I get you a cold one?” Lee asked, standing back slightly to invite this girl—partially a stranger, but her own flesh and blood—inside.

 

“Love one, thanks.” Charlie smiled, and again Lee could see the Shepard family resemblance in her mannerisms and the way she spoke.

 

It seemed the past had a funny way of catching up with her.

 

_Christmas Day, 2190_

 

The old weatherboard house had seen many occupants in its three hundred years. The wide verandas that wrapped around the house were occupied with people laughing, glasses of cold white wine in hand, or icy cold beers. Lee glanced around, and then down at the baby in her sling—the daughter she and James had been blessed with—Alexandra Maris Shepard-Vega, known already as Sasha. She stood on the steps leading down to where Cortez, Bailey and James were playing cricket on the lawn, laughing as each side traded friendly insults, bowling terribly. Despite the sweltering heat of Christmas Day, and the presence of about a million blowflies, hosting Christmas for the entire crew of the _Normandy_ had been the best decision she’d made in the past few weeks.

 

She could see Charlie conversing with Karin Chakwas, and Jack and Sarai Royds chatting with Javik—or attempting to. Javik sounded contemptuous of Jack, and the Prothean wandered off to find somewhere to sit. In the five years Lee had known Javik, he had never been the easiest person to hold a conversation with. Walking towards Jack and Sarai, Lee felt she owed them an apology.

 

“Sorry about Javik. Never been the easiest person to have a convo with,” she apologised, “I’ve known him five years and sometimes I reckon it’d be easier for the Simpson Desert to flood than get a civil, polite conversation out of him.”

 

Sarai waved away the apology. “Nah, you’re fine. Besides, Jack likes a tough nut,” she said, taking a sip of sangria from the wine glass in her hand.

 

“Understatement of the past fifty thousand years, darl,” Lee retorted, deadpan. “Can I get you another top up?” She indicated to Sarai’s glass, and the other woman shook her head.

 

“Gotta drive back later,” Sarai replied, “You know what the cops are like.”

 

Lee nodded. “Yeah. Remember the good old days when we didn’t have responsibilities and could just crash at someone’s place?”

 

“Exactly. Now look at us—when’d we get to be this responsible?” Sarai said, smiling. “By the way, if you’re not doing anything New Years’ Eve, come over to ours—it’s gonna be great.”

 

Lee shook her head. “I’d love to, but you know how it is with a baby,” she said. “I had to scupper my plans to go out to the long paddock cause this one decided to come two weeks early. Ah well, there’s always next year.” She smiled ruefully.

 

“Kids—what can ya do with ‘em?” Sarai commiserated, “I remember when we adopted Charlie that there were a few things to be put on hold.”

 

“I didn’t think you guys would adopt—let alone adopt _my_ child,” Lee said. “I thought Charlie would go somewhere like far north Queensland or somewhere, not locally.  I’m glad ya spilled the beans, though. Charlie’s a great girl. Would have her as a jillaroo any day.”

 

She briefly turned away to see the change of batsman and bowler out on the lawn in front of them, and watched as James took up the bowling, and Garrus the batting.

 

“Onya James!” Lee called as James bowled a fast ball towards Garrus, and watched as it hit the stumps. The turian scowled, and Lee laughed as Kolyat walked up to bat, looking serious and missing the ball by about ten seconds.

 

“C’mon Kolyat! You can do better!” she called out encouragingly as Javik, scowling, walked out onto the pitch to bat.

 

“This is pointless, Admiral,” she heard Javik mutter, “In my day we did not play such trivial games. Nor did we celebrate the birth of a mythical child.”

 

“Ah Javik—it’s _fun_ ,” Lee replied with a tolerant grin, watching Kenneth catch the cricket ball and throw it  back to James, who promptly bowled again. “You know, that thing we do during peace time.”

 

“In my day, we did not have fun. We were fighting a war—peace was far away from us.” Javik scowled.

 

“Javik, lighten up mate. It’s been over for four years,” she laughed and waved her hand as several blowflies attempted to enter her nostrils. Glancing behind her, she saw Madeline following Kellen out the gate.

 

“Just going to see the goats, Lee,” Madeline called over her shoulder, Kellen dragging her along with all the enthusiasm of a five year old boy. “I’ll be back before it’s time for trifle.”

 

Lee waved at Madeline and Kellen, and smiled.

 

Her life had definitely taken a turn for the better this year. James stopped bowling, letting Gabby take over. He came up the steps onto the veranda, taking off the wide-brimmed felt hat she’d given him that morning as a joke, and kissed her.

 

“I love you, James Vega,” she said, wrapping her arms around his waist as best she could.

 

“I love you too, Lee Shepard,” James said, and kissed her again.

 


End file.
